This is a post of insecurity

but also a vow to overcome such feelings of mine.

During these past few days, I have been reflecting upon my upcoming decisions for college and attempting to write my personal statements.

I have encountered a few different perspectives upon my own self identity and also my upcoming decisions.

First, I find it unbearably difficult to define the most important aspects of my being in my personal statements. It was then that I realized I cannot fathom my complexity into blatant statements, which was a desperate thought of what was to become of my responses.

From this moment, I have been taking the time to reflect upon my passions and the prospects of this life in which I stand for. I mean, I can stand for integrity of the mind; I can stand for genuine curiosity of this life; I can stand for fulfillment within the soul and within the intellect. But how do I phrase this in a way that will satisfy my own self portrayal?

So many things have impacted my life. My mother’s struggles with immigration and breast cancer. My unbearable isolation as an only child. My experiences with music. My grandmother’s death. My exposure to people of depth that impacted my choice of majoring in English. My lack of empathy from others. My introversion and colliding sense of extroversion. The importance of being uprooted in the Church. How will I know what exactly defines who I am?

Second, I believe that I am intellectually insecure as I ramble about my yearnings for intellect and cannot support myself with numbers. I have had achievements in school, yes, but I can’t help feeling that it’s not good enough. This is a desperate plea of mine to not be defined by numbers. Sometimes, I feel that I am so much more than that. But how can I say such things when numbers are reflections of the intellect? I seem to falter in such context. I cannot explain, but I feel that my being appeals more to topics of debate, of complexity, of profound depth, of philosophical tendencies. Memorization has not appealed to me; although, I know its importance in our education system is vital. Perhaps, it is not a sign of intellect (well, it is, somewhat), but a sign of endurance and persistence and practical understanding.

I am struggling to find that confidence. Of course, I can claim that yes, I’ve gotten above a 4.0; yes, I’ve gotten an A in that AP class, or that arduous English class during my sophomore year; yes, I’ve gotten a 5 on my Calculus exam; yes, I’ve accomplished extra curricular activities. But, for some reason, that does not boost my confidence at all. They are immediately pitted against my B’s or my dissatisfaction of my SAT score. I have become numb to these facts and numbers and my mind focuses on the fact that these numbers of practicality are simply not good enough in a world where a vast number of people have accomplished perfection, and, you, madame, are far from it.

Now another part of me refuses to be limited to my insecurities. One cannot accomplish such things if they are limited by the idea of doubt. So, I carry on.

At this very moment, I must write without fear of judgement. I must not shape my personal statements to the cliche expectations of what it takes to write a personal statement. I am not going to plead to pity; I am not going to be someone that I am not. I will be true to myself, although I might be insecure about being different, not the good different, perhaps overly melancholic and cynical. But I must communicate to them my disparities that have fueled my fervor for an enlightened mode of living.

So, yeah.

I’m applying to Stanford at the moment. I want to aim so damn far. And if I don’t believe in myself, no one else will either.

21/7/2014 . 2 notes . Reblog

The night is the refuge of melancholy. The silence is where our thoughts lurk within the darkness of our minds.

The night is the refuge of a dreamer. The silence is the sound of ceaseless wonder.

The night is the refuge of a poet. The silence lights the thoughts within the depths of our being that question our existence.

Yet we forget: the night is the refuge of a lover. The silence is the pause of the universe in which we feel our love within the pulses of our veins.

I need you like the beating of my heart. I feel you within the words that leak from my pen. I see you within the beautiful complexity of my soul.

The night is the refuge for… you and me.

19/7/2014 . 2 notes . Reblog

Anonymous said: One way or another I'm going to make it reality. These dreams won't be called just my dreams soon enough. I can't figure out the role you play in my dreams yet, but it's a cool coincidence that you and I share the same aspirations, and we've connected in a way, through my dream ha

Cheers to that. :) I will strive to do that as well. I promise myself. Well, I also think it’s a significant fact that I’m facing away from you in your dreams. It might be relevant to the way things are in the present, at this moment, perhaps… but yes. We’re meaningfully connected by that dream-like force. 

19/7/2014 . 0 notes . Reblog

Anonymous said: So we both share the same desire, how interesting

Yeah… not even kidding. The exact same desire. The photo taking, the trains, the lakes, the hikes. (I’d love to write, too.) Well, sigh. I wish I could go do that right now and venture straight into that unending fantasy but reality may be harsh. I’m sure that both you and I have to establish ourselves first, or maintain some kind of financial stability. My thoughts lose themselves trying to distinguish between what is realistically possible for me and what I aspire to do in this life. I believe it is important to make those needed decisions. But hey, that’s what dreams are for right? Haha. 

19/7/2014 . 1 note . Reblog

Anonymous said: You often appear in my dreams in different places of the world. We're traveling together, exploring all there is to explore. I faintly remember hiking in the woods side by side you, finding a lake. Sometimes we'd be on a plane or a train, on our way to a different country, I'd be taking photos to capture the moment and I'd never see your face. Your back would always be turned to me, or your face would be looking down, never quite saw your face but I knew it was you. And these dreams occur often

Does this mean something to you? Because… it does for me. This is what I’ve dreamed to do years from now.

18/7/2014 . 0 notes . Reblog

Anonymous said: I am being sincere, but I was taught dreams mean nothing... although you have affected my life one way or the other

I’ve been taught that as well. Quite honestly, it still amazes me when certain people appear in my dreams. I do give it some sort of meaning, as I do to occurrences of fate or destiny. (I might be a little irrational.) Dreams are part of the subconscious part of our minds, so I believe that these people or things have been lurking quietly in the background of our thoughts, and finally appear in our dreams. It takes on its own meaning. And, well, you must have been a significant part of my life then… would you like to talk about it… or just… talk?

18/7/2014 . 0 notes . Reblog

Anonymous said: You constantly appear in my dreams... In the non-creepiest sense possible

Wow. :x People who appear in our dreams have much significance to our lives and leave us wondering once we are awake. If you’re being sincere, then, I’m in awe to be a part of your subconscious. Have I affected you in some way? Or am I simply the result of the spontaneous nature of dreams? 

18/7/2014 . 0 notes . Reblog
14/7/2014 . 827 notes . Reblog
Grasp hold of your loneliness.
For solitude is where you will find the greatest company.
Together whilst alone Joe Pound (via joepoundpoetry)
14/7/2014 . 219 notes . Reblog
Don’t marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son exactly like him.

Unknown

Wow, yes.

13/7/2014 . 364,268 notes . Reblog
pureblyss:

breakfast outside. one of the greatest joys in life in my opinion.

pureblyss:

breakfast outside. one of the greatest joys in life in my opinion.

13/7/2014 . 160,115 notes . Reblog

I believe in good intentions. I believe in purity of heart.

And for these two reasons, my trust remains fragile. I seem to forget that not everyone holds the same desire to establish an intimate, platonic relationship.

I only want to be true to myself, and to you. I will give you my all if I feel that you deserve it. Most of the time, I do find the good in people, and I feel as though they deserve much more and therefore I attempt to suffice with my honest presence.

If I feel that goodness is reciprocated, the friendship or relationship goes beyond my limitations of joy. I find so much delight in good people and beautiful souls. I appreciate the raw content of people’s hearts and minds and thoughts. I love all of it.

Then, I become blinded. Any idea of fallacy or ulterior motives slip past my line of thought.

The first sign of betrayal or ill-willed intention, I will withdraw immediately, deeply hurt by my misconception of your being. I will distance myself silently and gradually to ease the emotional attachment that I have established by my own means. I will withdraw painfully within my self-doubts and mistrust. And that is what I feel right now.

I’m disappointed. Certain people in my life become just so ridiculously important to me, and I feel that I disappoint myself with my bountiful expectations of the human heart.

12/7/2014 . 7 notes . Reblog