I don’t understand the sadness that takes control over my entire body; I feel the painful ache creeping down my throat and a sudden heaviness in my chest. But how can emptiness weigh so much?
I need a very specific amount
in a day,
so that I can keep up
with everyone else.
I don’t care who you are to me.
I need my space to remember
to come back to you.
You Could Be Happy | Snow Patrol
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I’d been by far
And this is why I love to be alone (via moroccan-ninja)
I guess during the night it just gets to a point where I’m insanely tired. I’m done. My eyes are dreary and my heart is weak; it’s an unending cycle of emotional instability.
I don’t want to stay up dwindling away at hours of Calculus homework that I don’t understand. I don’t want to wake up at 4AM to continue doing homework that lacks any substance. I don’t want to think about how many hours of sleep I’m going to get on a certain night if I work for an x amount of hours and sleep for an x amount of hours and realize that I can count the hours of sleep with less than five fingers on a single hand.
I want to spend my time thinking, wondering, dreaming. I want to spend my time reading poetry and rummaging through philosophy books. I want to spend my time writing about mustered feelings that accumulate overtime when they’re not written about.I just need room to breathe.
I want to wake up happy every morning feeling satisfied with the sentiments of knowledge I had indulged myself in just the night before. But it’s never that way. I’m just tired, meaninglessly tired, and my mind feels dry.
This mundane routine is killing my spirit of curiosity. My time is confined by things that aren’t important to my well being; but, I carry on…
I remember a while ago I answered an ask about feeling detached from the body or from reality or something along those lines. I remember answering that I didn’t really feel that way that often, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that’s a lie. When I thought of that, I thought of feeling detached but within a fantasy world or imagination or something else, which this specifically doesn’t really happen to me because I’ve learned not to put so much hope or faith into that.
I think for me, I feel more removed or “detached” (I don’t particularly like this word to describe what I’m feeling, but I can’t think of another word that best describes the actual feeling) when I’m feeling various emotions, but they’re not necessarily registering within me right away. So like, I feel, but at the same time I don’t feel and I’m just blank. I guess that’s the right word. Blank. It’s not the best feeling, but it’s not the worst. It’s almost peaceful, but it’s not it’s like that feeling that a storm is approaching but that storm is far off or it’s not actually there.
Ah. I could never explain this feeling of detachment.